


Am I Human? Am I Alive?

by piratesahoy



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers - Freeform, F/M, Friendship, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Romance, Slow Burn, avenger compound, mcu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-21 12:13:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11357280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piratesahoy/pseuds/piratesahoy
Summary: It had been 565 days since Steve Rogers had scene him, every morning he wakes up hoping today is the day he gets a lead, anything to progress his search for him, to find his best friend.~Steve reunites with Bucky, and focuses on his recovery in the avenger compound. And someone starts to catch his eyes.





	1. The End Where I Begin

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Hope you like this new fic, it's going to be slow burn BuckyNat but for a while it'll focus on the Stucky friendship. Please leave your opinions of the first chapter in the comments, it's always helpful! Enjoy!

_It had been 565 days since Steve Rogers had seen him, every morning he wakes up hoping today is the day he gets a lead, anything to progress his search for him, to find his best friend._

_He goes to the Smithsonian Institution almost every month, to look at the same thing every time. Him. They still hadn’t updated his memorial, it still read,_

_James Buchanan Barnes 1917-1945_

_But he would always be Bucky to Steve._

_That wasn’t why Steve visited so often, it was more to remember his version of Bucky rather than the one Hydra created, to see the archive videos of them together, happy, even in the midst of war. His best friend before he was gone. Seeing his face plastered on the walls next to his own gave him two emotions, one of happiness and one of guilt. How could he of left without finding his body? That question will always haunt him._

 

* * *

 

 

Steve hated days when the avengers had nothing to do, because he would just think about him and nothing else. What is he doing right now? Is he safe? Does he remember?

 

But today wasn’t one of those days. The avengers had gathered information that there was a remaining hydra facility in Slovakia, and had agreed to include all the avengers on this mission, as they had no idea what would be inside, for all they knew there could be another experiment waiting for them.

 

Suiting up was such a strange event, the adrenaline was flooding through their veins, and each avenger had their own routine, whether that be listening to music and zoning out, or sparring in the gym. Steve’s routine wasn’t really a routine; all he would do is stare at his shield reminiscing the war, his friends, and his family. Anything of his old life.

 

Sure he had made new friends, him and Sam had a budding friendship but it just wasn’t the same. He didn’t understand what it was like in the 40s, the only people who would are all dead except for Barnes.

 

Once landed in Slovakia, there was only a short journey from the jet to the hydra base, long even for Steve to contemplate what would be inside,

 

The concrete building was set into the snowy mountain; from afar it would be difficult to even see that there was a building. The front entrance was one large concrete 12ft door. As the group split, Stark, Nat, Rhodey and Clint entered the front entrance. Whilst Steve, Sam, and Wanda went around the mountain to find another entrance. The back entrance was similar to the front but slightly less towering. Pushing the door open, a loud creaking noise filled their ears, and the thought of a quiet entrance was out the window. Entering the building, they were all surprised to find there was nobody guarding the exits or hallways. Not at all what they expected but then again they knew that there were a diminished number of hydra agents after shield fell.

 

“Guys, is it just me or is it feeling eerily quiet?” Starks voice came through the comms confirming that it wasn’t just Steve’s team coming across nobody.

 

A piecing loud scream filled the whole building. They definitely were not alone.

 

Steve and his group ran towards the scream through a dimly lit hallway reminiscent of a hospital, at the end of the hallway were 4 men with machine guns standing in front of set of doors that were bolted shut. The moment they saw Steve and his group, they started shooting.

 

With the blood-curdling screaming still in the background, Steve used his shield to block the bullets that came his way whilst Wanda used her powers to try and disarm them and Sam flew up to gain a height advantage. It soon became apparent that what ever was in that room, they were willing to do anything to prevent someone from entering. Without getting to close, Wanda managed to knock two of the men unconscious whilst Sam had flew above the others trying to get to the door, kicking one of the men in the face in the process. Steve was now close enough for hand-to-hand combat and used to his all his strength to knock the last guy threw the wall next to the door. Once all the men were unconscious all they could hear was the chilling scream that was still echoing through the hall. Their next objective was to enter to locked room and find where the person behind the screaming.

 

Steve used his shield to break the lock on the door, and then pushed them open with all his force. Once inside, the deafening scream was almost unbearable; he couldn’t see the man behind the scream only the chair he was in and 4 monitors around it, as there were too many guards in the way, and what looked like scientists in white coats. The room was large with what felt like never-ending walls. The man in the chair was a good 10 meters away.

 

Before the team could process what was around them, the guards started to open fire and fought back. Steve used his shield to knock some of the men out whilst using his strength to push them away. They were coming at all angles and the Avengers were surrounded and outnumbered. It was at that moment when the thrumming noise of the Iron Man and War Machine suits could be heard. Doors at the other side of the large room flooded open with the rest of the avengers ready to fight. During the fight, the constant screaming in the background could still be heard. Steve could now get closer to the man in the chair but could only see his back. Trying to get round the machines to see who was in the chair and how to turn off whatever they were doing to him was a lot harder than it seemed with the man being surrounded by very angry hydra agents. Steve lunged towards them with his shield in front. The men seemed oblivious to the fact that they were fighting a super solider and was easily knocked out with a little help from Clint’s arrows coming from a direction that Steve could not see. Once all of them fell to the floor, Steve’s eyes immediately to the man in the chair.

 

As soon as he saw who was in the chair and his stomach dropped to the floor.

 

“Bucky?!” Steve’s voice seemed detached like it wasn’t even his own. Bucky was writhing in pain from whatever the machine was doing to him. The machine was attached to his face and he had restraints over all his limbs and chest, and had what looked like a mouth guard keeping him from breaking his teeth or jaw. Steve’s immediate thought was to try and stop whatever they were doing him, he searched for something to switch it off but then resorted to pulling the cables out of the wall which then resulted in the machines to effectively shut down. He got closer to Bucky’s body, finding it had slumped lifelessly in the chair.

 

“Bucky? Can you here me? Its okay now, I’m going to help”

 

Even though he wasn’t sure if Bucky could hear him, Steve felt that he had to say something just incase, anything to try and soothe him. Whilst Steve was undoing the restraints, the rest of the avengers watched as the pair reunited not quite sure what to do. Bucky’s eyes were open yet they looked empty, as Steve tried to lift him out the chair, and it made Steve’s heart break even more. Carrying his lifeless body through the building was tricky, he weighed a lot more than he used to, but may be that was the metal arm, or the fact that he is now a super-solider. All Steve could think about was getting Bucky into the safety of the jet.

 

The jet was relatively small compared to the amount of avengers in it, it had a main deck which housed all the controls and steering along with a seat for each member, near the exit was a storage room, where all their weapons were kept, including Steve’s shield.

 

Once inside the jet, Steve wished that there were enough space in the jet to have some sort of medic bay but he made sure that Bucky was as comfortable as possible, with a blanket covering his shivering body in one of the seats reserved for the avengers.

 

The journey felt like it went on forever, when the reality was it only an hour or so. When the jet had landed, Steve still felt numb. He had no idea Bucky was with Hydra; he just assumed he had escaped given the chance. There were so many unanswered questions that Steve so desperately wanted to know. How long was he there? Had he escaped and then been found? Will he be okay? 


	2. All That's Left is a Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heres the next chapter, I'm going to try and update every week if possible, and soon Nat will be introduced. All of Bucky's thoughts are in italic. Please leave your opinions on how the story is going so far!!

It had been two days since Steve had found Bucky. They’ve found a secure room in the avenger compound. The room itself is pretty plain but it has cameras in all the corners and strong re-enforced glass separated the bedroom to give an observation area that is safe. In the room, there is a single bed with monitors on either side for Bucky’s heartbeat and brain waves. During the two days he remained as lifeless as he was the moment Steve saw him in the Hydra base. It was worrying to say the least, many doctors had examined him thoroughly and determined that the extreme torture to his brain has had a negative effect and that perhaps with time he may heal depending on his super serum. It was evident in the scans that it wasn’t just his brain that had been tortured, but most of his body was covered in scar tissue. Even if there was life in his eyes again, he would not be the man Steve remembered, he would definitely have psychological issues for a long period of time. The thought of that made Steve shiver with guilt; he knew he would never forgive himself for what Bucky had been through.

 

Steve’s focus is now on Bucky’s recovery and only that. If there was even a tiny part of Bucky left, Steve knew he will make the most of it.

 

_Lying there motionless on the bed I feel nothing. It’s like being in the dark abyss, floating in-between life and death. All the voices around me sound so far away. I know they are there, but I can’t understand what was being said. My mind is bare, the only memory is pain, and I’m not even sure what’s causing it. It’s unimaginable pain burning in my brain with each second. All I want to do is scream but nothing is coming out of my mouth. When my eyes are open all I see is white, almost like a blanket protecting my vision from danger. Trying to understand how I got to where I am is quite tricky. I don’t even know who I am. Had I been someone brave, or had I been a coward. Was I someone who people admired, or was I someone who people hated. Did I believe in good, or did I just care about myself. Who am I?_

 

The first sign of life came at an unexpected time, the doctors were preparing to take some blood from Bucky to try and determine how he was recovering or even if, when his arm went from being limp and frail to having a strong grip on the poor nurse tasked with extracting his blood from his arm, the grip was so strong she could see the bruising already forming. Quickly, four large men came into the room, and tried to restrain the Soldier, his strength unparalleled with anything they had seen. It took three of them to attempt to undo his grip, and it wasn’t even his metal one. But his grip remained strong and vigilant.

 

It was at that moment that Steve entered, with his regular coffee mug in one hand and a newspaper in the other, seeing the four men looming over his body holding him down with all there force. He suddenly dropped all the contents in his hands but that gained no attention from the men.

 

“What the hell are you doing? Get off him! Now!” Steve immediately went into action and threw the men off of Barnes, not caring for what they were doing there nor noticing the small amount of life that was being shown in Bucky’s body.

 

As quickly as they arrived, they left clearly shocked at the anger Steve just showed and not wanted to be in there any longer, grunting and mumbling unhappily on the way out.

“We do our job and this is how we are treated, unbelievable”

“He may be Captain America but he has no manners!”

 

* * *

 

“Bucky?” Steve’s voices cracked with emotion at seeing his best friend showing a small sign of life.

 

His eyes were different, there was undeniable emotions of anguish and frantic with terror. Just through his eyes, Steve felt like he could see a world. One of horror that frightened him to his core. This is what Bucky is feeling, all the unimaginable pain locked inside unable to communicate or even know he is safe.

 

_I felt something? I’m not quite sure what is happening but I felt something more than the emptiness. Perhaps it was the pain subsiding. There are people around me; at least that’s what I think. I tried to shout, to let them know I’m here but nothing came out. I can still only see white and the voices still felt so far away. And yet something in me makes me think that I’m making progress. Was it just in my imagination? Or was something changing in me? I feel something on me, I’m not sure what and my first instinct is to get it off me. I have no idea if I’m actually moving or if it’s just in my head. I can’t feel myself move, so have I? What is wrong with me, why am I like this?_

_Someone hurt me! Are they going to hurt me again? I don’t even remember who they were but all I know is that they hurt me. Am I still with them? Is that why I can’t remember? Why can’t I remember?_

_And as quickly as he had felt something, it was gone and he was back to just being engulfed in pain and nothingness._

 

“Buck?”

 

The small sign of life had dissipated and all that was left was the limp lifeless body, with his blue eyes once again empty. His grip on the poor nurse had gone and she was finally able to free her arm.

 

“What happened?”

 

“I don’t know sir, one minute we were trying to take his blood, and the next minute he was attacking me out of nowhere, I’d never seen anything like it,” The nurse was visibly shaken and had taken 3 steps back to be further away from Bucky’s body. She knew nothing was broken but she definitely not looking forward to taking his blood again.

 

“His grip was so tight I thought he was going to break my arm!”

 

“I’m sorry. If he knew what he had done, the Bucky I know would have stopped.”

 

“I know, your friend has been through a lot, of course he’s going to have issues, Mr Rogers,” 

 

“Please just call me Steve, you should really get that arm checked though!”

 

“Okay Steve,” Blushing as she spoke, it felt unreal to call by his first name considering how handsome he was. “My names Ann, I’ll leave you two along and get checked out, if you need any help or if he has another episode just press that black button on the wall near his bed and guards will come again.” She didn’t know why said all that, he was captain America after all, she was sure he could deal with him on his own.

 

Holding his hand tenderly as not to scare him further, Steve sat down on the nearby chair that he had occupied for hours before, and started to reminisce their childhood memories hoping that the life in his eyes would come back.

 

“You know, when we were young, you always used to be the one that looked after me, and made sure I was okay. And when I was really bad you used to hug me really tight and just keep saying everything was going to be all right. I knew that you would always be there for me no matter what.”

 

Steve sighed. Part of him thought this was pointless; it hadn’t worked the last two days, so why would it work now. That wasn’t a spark of life he had just shown but a spark of fear and alarm. And yet he couldn’t bring himself to stop, so he carried his one-way conversation.

 

“You remember when you once bribed a neighbor to keep quiet when I accidently smashed one of their front windows. It was after school one day and you insisted on showing me how to kick a ball properly so that when we did it in school the next day I wouldn’t look bad. It was such a thoughtful thing to do that I didn’t really understand at the time. But you didn’t want my feelings to get hurt if I couldn’t kick as far as the others boys. When I kicked the ball straight threw the neighbors window I knew my mum would give me a right shouting. But all you were bothered by was that that was by far the furthest kick I’d done and was immensely proud. I was so scared, but you kept insisting that I wouldn’t get in trouble and next thing I knew you were cleaning their house for the next two weeks. When I asked you about, you know what you said? ‘Well Stevie, this is what best friends are for’.

 

You always had my back, Buck, and because of that you will also hold a special place in my heart. You saved me so many times my mom had no idea I was such a troublemaker, though she did know I was no angel.”

 

Once he had finished his story, Steve looked at him, hoping to see some kind of life or anything to show he was listening but yet again there was nothing. He shouldn’t have been shocked, but he still felt his heart drop in disappointment.


End file.
